You want to what with me?

So, there I was, on a stopover - a nightstop - with a great bunch of people (ok, fit cabin crew) including a young French crew member who was making it clear how good she was in bed. Not solely for my benefit, you understand, but anyone who cared to be listening. The little minx was 'a giver', she appealed, 'unselfish', she lured, 'wild as a devil', she enticed. After an evening of these clear as a see-through negligee clues from the little French fire lighter, I obviously wasn't seeing the wide open door in front of my face. In fact, this door was so wide open, even a former Red Arrows display pilot could fit his head through it! (Look, don't immediately presume I'm a failed RAF pilot who is jealous of the greatest display pilots in the World. Their heads are necessarily big so they can fit all that confidence in; it's just physics.)

 Anyway, back to the bar - actually, we've moved on to the beach, but these details are irrelevant to the story - where little Mademoiselle Feu was unconsciously drawing lewd images in the sand with a finger, whilst complaining that she hadn't had a good man for such a long time. I was the only man, good or bad, within combustible distance of Mme Feu, so I started to wonder if I was the current target of her explosive needs.

Not used to dealing with thickos, my tormented colleague was about to become a little more direct. Now, a lesson in the French language which may serve you well one day. Un baiser is a masculine French noun meaning ' a kiss'. Baiser - without the article - means to fornicate like a rabbit on Viagra. It's easy to get the two mixed up when your French is elementary. Fortunately the English version followed swiftly, and when a French girl says, "I 'want a fuck" -  I'm sorry but I'm quoting here - then you can safely assume she doesn't want a peck on the cheek. But it's always polite to start with one.